References are a valuable tool for keeping you informed, aware and can be a contributing factor towards a safer experience when considering playing with others. I cannot recommend getting references enough, although they are often overlooked and not used enough when considering tying with new people. I think that rope tops should vet bottoms and bottoms should vet tops before playing, shooting, and especially performing.

I have heard of instances when this system has been abused, confidentiality is broken and people get angry and hurt. This results in a bad feeling and quality of reference. It can lead to scene drama and people being unwilling to give references. It is very simple to avoid this situation and have a great resource for our community.

Giving References

A good protocol to abide by when you are asked for a reference is to report facts, your own actual experience. Try not to sensationalise things in your head. It can be difficult but try to remain unbiased when giving a reference, separate your feelings from the person and inform the person what your own experience was or what your current knowledge is surrounding that individual.

Getting References

When asking for a reference, it is important to remember that you are asking for an account of someone’s individual experience with the person in question. They may be the one person to have a positive or negative experience so it is important to get more than one reference. When it comes to rope bondage I recommend gathering as many references as possible from tops and bottoms to build a picture of the person you are considering doing rope with. It is important to note that this does not necessarily reflect what your experience will be with this individual.

Potential Questions

• Negotiation
  • How was negotiation handled?
  • Was it done?
  • Were agreements and limits honoured?
• Injury
  • Accidental etc.
  • What happened?
  • How was it handled?
• Communication
  • Did they communicate well during your rope time?
  • If something went wrong what happened after; how would they deal with miscommunication?
• Interaction
  • How did they deal as a person?
    • Though this is difficult to quantify, getting a feel of someone beyond the technical is always a good idea.
• Aftercare
  • Were there problems?
  • Did they follow up?
  • If there were no problems, did they check in?
  • We’re you happy with the scene/shoot/performance overall?

Dealing with the Information

If when you have gathered your information you decide that you do not want to move forward with this person, remember to respect the confidence of the people who gave you references. Abuse of references can not only be detrimental to the people directly involved but to the entire community. If references are not treated seriously with the respect they deserve they will not carry much weight or be effective. People giving references need to be able to feel that they can speak honestly without fear and in confidentially otherwise they may hesitate to give open or complete information.

Dealing with Rejection

Possible ways to deal with this are, telling the person you were considering tying with that you have sought many references and based on the information you gathered, you do not think you are a suitable top/bottom to tie with them. Wish them well and thank them for their understanding. Hopefully this will not lead to a negative outcome for anyone. If they ask who gave them negative references you can say it is not appropriate for you to disclose this information. They would after all expect you to keep their confidence and therefore it would be unreasonable for them to expect you to break someone else’s.